Lost
by PeachGlitch
Summary: ' Before her stood two choices ; carry on down this path of coldness and self loathing or save herself. And right now the first choice seemed to loom over her like a nightmare. "You cut your hair." A voice found her in the darkness of her destroyed quarters, his voice like an anchor offering her stability. ' [ How a haircut was a metaphor for so much more ]


A/N- It's a well known debate amongst fans that Janeway suffered from bipolar or at least had a mental breakdown in the middle of season 4. I agree with both, but mostly that she changed within the fourth season of the show and wasn't the same since. So this is set somewhere during Year from Hell and delved into her state of mind and relationship with Chakotay. A relationship I was sad that nothing came of it (unless you read the books and even then it's not much) and was disappointed that after Resolutions is was vastly ignored.  
Oh well, I guess that's why we have fanfiction!

Lost and Lonely

 **"And I was in the darkness so darkness I became" - Cosmic Love, Florence & The Machine.**

Sadist.

The word taunted her no matter how much she tried not to acknowledge it. Her world had become bewildering and cold; this thing she'd become was a bitter shell of the woman she was when this journey began four years ago.

Kathryn knew she was treading down a very dangerous path. She could feel her sanity slowly drifting away from her, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop it. All she could do was stand amongst the chaos.

Before her stood two choices ; carry on down this path of coldness and self loathing or save herself. And right now the first choice seemed to loom over her like a nightmare.

"You cut your hair."

A voice found her in the darkness of her destroyed quarters. That voice, his voice,had become her anchor of stability, but right now she felt herself drifting away from the safety it offered her.

"It was impractical." She rebuffed quickly.

Her own voice was hoarse and detached. She hadn't even bothered to turn around from where she stood to look over at him. Her eyes were transfixed by the looming darkness through the glass. She longed to see stars again, maybe they were there and it was her that was incapable of seeing them anymore.

There was a sound of shuffling behind her, no doubt he was manoviring through the debris. Kathryn briefly wondered if he felt colder the closer he got to her. Like she was some sort of ice queen rather than the strong Captain she'd once been.

"I liked it long." He replied sadly.

She doubted he was referring to her actual her but what it represented. It was obvious what he was really saying; he missed her.

It made her feel weak so Kathryn sneered at his words, even though he couldn't see. But she could tell he was right behind her now.

"I'm not _her_ anymore so it doesn't matter." She responded, her own words sounding far away.

The truth was that she wanted so desperately to manifest physically how she felt inside on the outside. Ina way she was crying for help.

She'd stood in front of the mirror of her private bathroom for an eternity just staring at herself, scissors in hand. The new lines that graced her features were only natural, but the emptiness in her eyes was something else entirely.

Her hair was the last part of her old self she had, and she'd clung to it like a safety blanket. But the storm that raged within her , that self destructive and self loathing didn't want to be faced with it.

So she'd cut her hair off harshly until the sink was filled with stray locks, and was left with a bob cut that was stiff and rigid.

The old Captain Janeway was gone.

 _She was reborn._

 _She hated herself._

In the vastness she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder. For a moment it brought her from the void she was slowly falling into and brought her into the light. It was enticing her and so she turned around to face the only person who knew the truth about her.

Chakotay's expression gave nothing away, of course it didn't. She was sure he was trying to spare her feelings, to be kind as always. But she didn't deserve it, everything was her fault and they both were aware of that. From the fact they were stuck faraway from home to the denial of her feelings for him.

"Don't say that, Kathryn...you are the strongest woman I know, you're a warrior.

Her brow crinkled as he spoke, as expected her was trying to be a beacon of hope. Never giving up on the possibility that everything would be ok. How she wished he would be cruel to her, like she was cruel to him; that's what she deserved.

 _That's what she wanted._

Anger flared within her, so she shrugged his hand away from her body.

Even his touch was gentle and she couldn't stand it.

"Stop being so god damned kind!" She shouted and watched with mild fascination as his demeanour shifted slightly.

But she wasn't done there, Kathryn wanted a reaction. She wanted him to hurt her back, after all she'd denied him since their brief _'almost was'_ relationship on New Earth. He should hate her like she hated herself for denying what they both wanted.

"I'm not being kind I'm being honest!" He replied, his voice slightly raised but still in control.

It made her laugh cruelly and she gave him a look up and down as if she was disgusted. If he needed to see exactly what had become of her then she would show him.

"You're not being honest you're being pathetic." She snapped back at him with all the venom she could muster.

"I mean why are you even here? What does it matter to you what I do with _my_ hair?" She taunted.

Narrowing her eyes she saw how he clenched his fists at her response. He would never hit her, though she'd gladly let him in that moment. No, he wasn't like that no matter how much she goaded him.

"I'm here because the crew needs you, because I need you... I-" He faltered and she knew what he'd nearly said. Usually she would of ignored it, but not now.

"Because you what? You _love_ me? Is that what this is about, _Commander_?" Her tone was taunting and she made sure to refer to him as 'commander' so she could add insult to injury. She wanted him to loathe her and either walk away or make her suffer for her cruelty.

But she received neither; he just stared at her as if he felt sorry for her. That was worse than anything, so she snapped.

Without thinking she lashed out, her fists thundered against his chest angrily.

"C'mon! Do something." She yelled carrying on her assault until he finally grabbed her wrists firmly. The slight twinge of pain is caused her weak bones seemed to snap her back to reality and without warning floods of tears poured down porcelain cheeks.

"Stop!" Was all he said as she gave up and crumpled against his chest. The sound of his heart soothed her as she continued to cry.

"Just _stop_." He repeated quietly and she was sure she felt his lips kiss the top of he head. "Come back to us, Kathryn, come back to _me_." He tried.

Sniffing she ventured to pull away and look up into his eyes. Chakotay let go of her wrists and instead held onto her face.

For several seconds he seemed to just study her features and it made her feel naked.

"Don't look at me, Chakotay." She whispered as she attempted to move away and hide, but he wouldn't allow that. Blue eyes cast down towards the ground, she didn't want to see his reaction to the monster that had inhabited her body up close.

"Why?" He asked, one of his thumbs stroked a stray tear away from the bottom of her cheek.

Kathryn still refused to look up, she couldn't handle the disappointment in his eyes.

"I don't want you to see what I've become." She answered in a voice so quiet she wasn't sure he would hear.

He sighed heavily indicating that he had infact heard her, it made her cheeks flush red. Why had she said that? It was so pathetic, she wasn't a child. Kathryn wanted nothing more than the ground to swallow her whole.

"Hey, look at me." He beckoned and she couldn't deny him that, even if it pained her to do so.

Blue eyes met dark brown ones and it was like they were back to that day they first met for second.

"You are human, you have faults but you're not whatever you think you've become."

His voice was so steady, so reassuring; she was not worthy.

In that moment is was as if all of her self loathing and emotion towards him melted into one and she found herself leaning forwards towards his lips.

The kiss must of caught him by surprise because for a second he didn't respond, just stood there like a statue, to shocked to do anything.

But then he responded with equal ferocity, pushing them backwards until the back of her legs hit the couch behinds them.

Her knees bucked and she fell backwards pulling him with her.

In that moment nothing else existed beyond the feel of his body against her own.

There was no Voyager, no ranks, just two people who'd held back for as long as they could.

Kathryn was frantic in her movements, she pressed her body flush against his wanting to feel as close as possible. The fallen debris was hard against her back but she relished the pain in brought mixed with the pleasure that pooled between her legs.

She was thankful that she'd forgone her uniform for a grey tank top along with plain work trousers. Not breaking the bruising kiss, she moved her hands from his shoulders to lift her shirt up.

This seemed to halt his movements though and she found herself craving his lip as he pulled away. Still she refused to let him move from atop of her and clawed at his uniform to keep him from getting up completely.

"Don't stop, please don't stop." She practically begged, hoping he'd see how much she needed this.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted this..." He replied, faltering only when she tried to grind her hips into his.

"...but not like this, never like this." He stopped again not able to find the right words she concluded.

It frustrated her to no end, he didn't need to be honourable anymore.

"We've waited long enough." She moaned inti his ear and craned her head upwards to plant soft kisses along his jawline.

He seemed to relent for a few seconds, and she was sure she could feel his erection against her thigh; but she knew he wasn't going to follow through.

"Kathryn, _stop_." He said resoundly and that was it.

He pulled away and stood up turning his back to her as she lay there still fully clothes but legs spread, dishevelled waiting for him.

She was beyond humiliated.

Forcing herself to sit up she glared at his back. Kathryn wondered for a moment had this been before now would he of denied her? Or was she so grotesque to him that any hope of anything was gone forever.

"Don't ever come to me again like this." She spat bitterly, pushing her short hair behind her ears.

"I love you, Kathryn and I want to help you...but I could never do that to you when you're this-"

"This _what_?" She interrupted furiously. "This broken? Hmm or damaged or-"

"Sad." He announced stoically, still not looking at her.

And she was thankful he hadn't because she couldn't hide the hurt across her face. She felt weak and helpless and had no idea how to stop it.

"Get out" She spat but he ignored her.

"It doesn't matter if you cut your hair or not you're still _Kathryn_ to me but right now the only person who can help you is yourself." He continued and she swore she heard his voice crack as if he was holding back his own tears. "There can't be an us, no matter how much I want it, not until you find yourself again and you know that deep down."

How had things become such a mess? She wished with all her might that they could turn back time to that first year together where everything had been so simple. Or better yet that they had stayed on New Earth and let things develop naturally and innocently.

She wish she was still that Kathryn.  
But she wasn't and she wasn't sure if she would ever be again.

"Dismissed, Commander." She ordered because she knew he would listen and leave.

He seemed to want to say something else but in the end he just nodded. Maybe deep down he even knew she was a lost cause.

The tiniest part of her wanted to stop him but she didn't. Instead she just watched as the only person she'd ever truly loved walked out and she wasn't sure if things could ever be the same again.

"Don't leave me alone." She whispered into the now empty room, surrounded by dust and broken glass; for no one to hear.

She was _alone_ ; she was lost and no one could bring her back, not even him.

Not even herself.


End file.
